Local NewsJuly 9, 2008

Commentary: By Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe
Don't perpetuate petty behavior between families
Don't perpetuate petty behavior between families

I met my wonderful husband and his three kids in 2005. Although they share the kids equally, his ex doesn't believe in co-parenting. She thinks we should leave HER kids alone, but that is not going to happen.

This was our fourth Father's Day together. I took my stepkids shopping and got my husband a gift from them for the past four years. This year without asking me, his ex bought my husband a present from the kids - a polo shirt. He loved it, but I forbid him to wear it because I know who really bought it. Am I being petty or is she just a conniving woman trying to remind my husband that she is the mother of his children?

We think you're being petty and she very well might be a conniving woman trying to remind your husband that she's the mother of his children. You can't control that. You can control being petty, and if you want your wonderful husband to remain your wonderful husband - stop it. Ex-etiquette rule No. 7: Don't be spiteful. Ex-etiquette rule No. 8: Don't hold grudges.

Here's the reality of your life: You married a man with an ex-wife and kids. She doesn't cooperate. Being petty and vindictive will do little to defuse the conflicts you'll face. Plus, you're not teaching the children in your care how to resolve conflict: You're teaching them how to perpetuate it.

What helped us was that we stopped seeing each other as ex-wife/new wife, but two moms who cared for the same kids. We were lucky - our basic outlook on parenting was very similar, but we butted heads plenty when it came to things such as those you describe - buying presents from the kids, in particular. That responsibility usually falls to the bio-parent unless it is relinquished to the bonus parent - which, in our case, it was.

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The problem you faced was that precedent had been set, and the ex changed her mind without consulting anyone. That wouldn't have been a problem if the parent figures talked to each other.

Lack of communication between divorced parents puts the children in the middle. "Tell your dad he owes me child support" or "Tell your mom your soccer cleats belong at our house": Such statements do not help a child grow up feeling safe and secure. The child will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and may avoid seeing one parent or the other to cut down on the stress produced by the parents' bad behavior.

Rather than perpetuate the war, look for ways to end it - and let your husband wear the shirt!

Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are co-founders of Bonus Families and the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation." They may be contacted atee@bonusfamilies.com.

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