Ordering food at a fast food restaurant should not be a complicated experience.

And yet, once you pass the age of being able to comprehend speed-talking: (“hellowelcometoburgerworldmayihaveyourorder?”) it becomes another one of those stroke-inducing situations.

I always assumed the “fast” part of “fast food” referred to how quickly your order could be fulfilled. Turns out it refers to everything, including how fast your waiters can talk. No dawdling here; just state the facts and move on.

I get it. Young waiters have things to do these days besides wait for old fogeys to study the menu and come up with a decision about what to have for lunch. There’s homework to catch up on; ball practice to make it to; social media to scroll through. C’mon, grandpa, make up your mind.

But the older you get, the harder it is to come up with a snap decision, especially when it comes to food. There are so many things to consider: Will it cause diarrhea? What’s the calorie count, the cholesterol level, the sugar content? Will it throw off my pacemaker?

Fast food restaurants were probably never intended for people over age 45 but here we are, anyway, and having a hard time deciding what to order, especially since we can’t understand what our fast-talking waiter is saying.

For these reasons I try to keep my order simple: cheeseburger and a soda, please. Seems straightforward enough.

But then they ask me: “Small, medium or large?”

I stare at the waiter for a moment and respond: “Small, medium or large — what?”

Where I come from, cheeseburgers come in only one size. Turns out the “small, medium or large” refers to the fries and drink, and why do they have to complicate things?

At least I can figure out what “small, medium or large” refers to in a fast food restaurant. Unlike coffee joints where you’re often presented with indecipherable choices.

There’s drip, there’s espresso, there’s breve, Americano, grande, venti, frappe, freddo and my favorite: bulletproof. I have no idea what any of these terms mean but the waiters figure if you’re cool enough to spend $7 for a coffee you must be loaded. So they give you options.

By the way, baristas also have a tendency to talk fast and roll their eyes if you take too long to order. But working with caffeine all day, what do you expect?

I miss the old days of diners where the waitress, who was obviously busy up to her eyeballs, treated you like you were the most important customer in the restaurant that day. Can’t decide what to order right off the bat? No problem, honey, just let me pour you some coffee and take your time. I’ll be back.

And she was. Without a grudge because you were pokey. Kindly, efficient and she talked slowly enough so you could understand her.

She probably got paid squat but she earned her tips.

Hedberg may be contacted at khedberg@lmtribune.com.