OpinionJanuary 3, 2004

Patrick McGann

The Saturday items-too-numerous-to-mention hopper needs dumping. The end of the year always produces head-scratchers, but this one is too full of inconsistencies, curiosities and oddities.

Here, sort it out yourself:

Where's the beef lobby?

Talk about being caught with your pants down. The National Cattlemen's Beef Association has opposed legislation to ban the practice of sending downer cows to the slaughterhouse and thence to meat loaves and bacon-cheeseburgers near you consistently for two decades. They did it again this last July when a ban came up for a vote. Oops. Once mad cow disease was discovered in Washington, and in the mad scramble following, beef producers, packers and feedlots instantly swapped ends when they saw nearly $4 billion in export markets dry up before their eyes. The Bush administration, staring a re-election campaign in the eye, turned on a dime and reversed its position as well, leaving the beef lobbyists out in the cold. A reminder to avoid this kind of embarrassing moment in the future: With the single exception of price, the interests of beef consumers and the interests of beef producers are exactly the same -- always have been, always will be.

Libert, galit, fraternit, hypocrisy

French reporter Alain Hertoghe's book "La Guerre a Outrances" (The War of Outrages) got him canned from his newspaper La Croix. The book pointed out a bias in several French newspapers against the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq. Mon Dieu! He was referring to news copy, not opinion pieces. Well, those freedom-loving French are not so thrilled with criticism, apparently. Something like that could never happen in America, of course, unless you consider Seattle to be America. The Seattle Times whacked conservative talk-show host and columnist John Carlson a few years ago for finger-pointing as well. C'est la vie.

George Bush is switching parties!

No, not really, but just as Bill Clinton moved to the right in his run-up to re-election, President Bush is getting more, uh, Democratic. He is regulating beef. Banning ephedrine. Talking tough about Halliburton. Passing Medicare expansion. Accepting a lower court ruling against his proposed changes to the Clean Air Act. Running up a deficit. Shutting up about religion. Making conservatives nervous and churlish. And frustrating the heck out of that bunch running against him.

Weapons of mass hysteria

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Besides learning the best times to plant rutabagas, terrorists could use almanacs as lethal weapons, according to the FBI. In an actual bulletin to local law enforcement agencies, G-men warned local police recently to keep their eyes peeled for suspicious characters toting almanacs. The warning cautioned that these widely available reference books could be used for everything from deciphering abbreviations to predicting long-term weather trends. Or ascertaining the population of Kansas. Or the state bird of Georgia. Or the winner of the Best Picture Oscar in 1938. Or maybe there is a table for figuring out which terrorist alert colors are which. The Associated Press obtained a copy of the bulletin and verified that it was not a joke. Seriously.

See Dick and Joe run

Dick Gephardt is running hard in Iowa, and if he comes in anywhere near Dean in New Hampshire, there will be a high-noon showdown in South Carolina that could change everything. All the candidates and an increasing number of pundits are seeing that this race is not locked up by Dean by any stretch. It's not looking good for Spoilin' Joe Lieberman, however. As Lieberman gets more and more strident in his attacks on Dean , it's getting harder to tell Joe from George. And with good reason.

Dean's consistency, wrong or right

Howard Dean wins points this week for sticking to his guns, particularly regarding the capture of Saddam Hussein and its irrelevance to the safety of Americans. His rivals miss the point entirely, that the war in Iraq, and therefore the capture, has nothing to do with the war on terrorism and never did. Orange alerts, sky marshals, international flight cancellations all bear him out. He loses points, however, for shooting his mouth off without thinking, and should count to 10 before saying anything more about anything.

What's the rush, John?

After two months of poking and prodding and sincere exhortations to get to the bottom of the CIA leak, revealing the identity of deep-cover agent Valerie Plame, Attorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from the investigation and appointed a special prosecutor. Does anyone else think that's odd? The AG's office portrayed the move as "really an abundance of caution." Right. When FBI agents start getting close, it's good to be cautious. They might throw the book at you. -- P.M.

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