Why young men love dogs

A woman who recognized me as a ranking expert on the psychiatric deficiencies of cat people asked a profound question:

"Why are men less likely to care about cats than women?"

My initial reaction was to doubt the premise of the question. It seemed to me that most of the men and women I know are equally likely to enjoy a relationship with cats. But then I remembered that most of the men and women I know are exceedingly mature, deep into extreme middle age. And younger men really do seem less likely to hang out with cats than women are. So what's that all about?

It probably has something to do with the fact that younger men tend to worry about anything that may cast doubt on their manly manhood. For instance, they worry about wearing the regulation masculine clothes - no purple, no pink, no bell bottoms, no tight shorts.

Especially no tight shorts. And the illogical result of that young male fetish is that they go overboard and wear shorts that are so large and baggy that it makes them look more like little boys than grown men. (Aged men also wear pants that are baggy, but only in the seat.)

If you worry about things like that, then you also choose pets that unambiguously brand you as a manly man. That means dogs, not cats.

A dog is something a manly man can take along on manly pursuits like hunting and driving trucks through mud and fishing and getting sweaty and dirty and playing with Frisbees.

When it comes to Frisbees, it is unclear whether the man is entertaining the dog by throwing the Frisbee or whether the dog is entertaining the man by patiently catching it so long as the easily entertained human wants to throw the silly thing.

You can't do stuff like that with a cat. A cat would glare at you if you tried. A dog will do pretty much whatever a man asks, whether that is to come when called, to roll over or to eat a cigar butt if that gives you a chuckle. That servile tendency of the dog reinforces a man's image of himself as the master of all he surveys, even if there are occasional exceptions like cats and wives.

Most of all, a real man tends to avoid being seen hanging out with anything fluffy. That includes not only cats but the few breeds of dogs that are fluffy. A young man who frets about having his manhood recognized certainly isn't going to hang out with a puffy poodle. And it's not just the fluffiness. The very name "poodle" sounds fluffy, like something soft and weak. It's from a puny family of words - piddle, puddle, poodle.

People don't always recognize that cats, like dogs, exist in a wide variety of personalities. Some cats are softies, some are killers, many are loners, some even strike up dog-like relationships with men, following them about. And many cats are as comical in their antics as dogs, monkeys and state legislators.

But why, if young men fear being seen with cats, do old men reach a point in life where they enjoy and even prefer the company of cats?

I think it's partly because, the older that men get, the lazier they like to live. Cats are generally less work than dogs. Cats have their flaws - digging in flower beds, bringing their kills home for the womenfolk to deal with like most hunters. But cats don't come apart emotionally if you leave them alone at home for a few hours. And they hardly ever take a taste of the postman's leg.

If men live long enough, they reach a point where they don't really give a hoot what other people think about them. If they have always got a kick out of cats but were afraid to hang out with anything fluffy, they eventually reach a point where they expect you to mind your own business.

Older women often like cats because they miss the babies of yesteryear. They enjoy cute things to dote on and rumpled old men are a pitiful substitute.

Lazy old men who once played catch with sons and pushed giggling daughters in tree swings reach a point where they seek calmer pursuits. They would rather lie on the couch watching football with a fluffy cat sleeping on their fat bellies than slog around out in the wet and cold with an exhausting, hyperactive dog.

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Hall is editor emeitus of the Tribune's editorial page. His e-mail address is wilberth@cableone.net.